How to: always be late

It's a well-timed skill.

I arrived sweaty and late so often that I no longer arrive looking sweaty and late. My glands have adapted—adrenal and sweat.

I’m Tardy Fit.

I part-speed walk, part-jog places, and I’ve stopped pretending I don’t. I used to fake a nose scratch to wipe away excess upper lip perspiration, and blame it on a scarf, but now I just say, “I’m late and I have no excuse”.

People normally laugh at this, but I’m waiting for the joke to wear off. I’m going to need another tactic, like keeping clocks in the wrong time zone.

I don’t remember a time I wasn’t late. I believe I inherited it, and if I am to point a finger, it’s from my dad. He doesn’t read this; it’s nice to have a scapegoat.

Wired to see potential in the wide open space of 10 minutes, he nurtured the belief that 30 minutes late is on time, and that it’s best to wait until 5 minutes before you mean to leave to shower. That’s been the key, and the other key should be in one of 30 pockets. But you already knew that.

That’s why I rode a scooter to school; we lived two streets away, but the Razor was faster than running, and it’s manifested into a specialised training regime I use to make sure I stay Tardy Fit.

Google: Razor scooter 2000s

For example, at the moment of typing this, I have 50 minutes until check-out from my accommodation in Lisbon. I still need to dispose of a broken mug, fold 3-day dry laundry, vaguely wipe some surfaces, clean a five-piece coffee plunger, and then wait until 5 minutes are left to shower, but this feels more pressing.

It’s this distinct combination of mild-high urgency and false optimism that leaves you with the belief that you have the exact amount of time needed to complete an unfolding list of tasks. You just need to be smart about it and have some Razor confidence in yourself.

Until you build up your own training schedule, try my simple tips on how to get Tardy Fit and always be late:

• Surround yourself with fiddly inconveniences

  • jammy locks

  • broken umbrellas

  • a dripping garbage bag

  • a blister and no bandaid

    • still spend 3 mins looking for one though

• Combine brushing teeth with other tasks like;

  • getting dressed

    • there is a risk of dribbling toothpaste

    • don’t consider another option until it happens

  • tying up shoes

  • scrubbing a pot

  • packing your bag

    • phone keys ??, phone wallet ??

• Add on an extra task (it doesn’t need to be long, 2 mins is fine)

  • collate recycling

  • look for a lost earring

  • dust-pan the kitchen floor

  • recite all your pin codes

  • remember you hate the smell of damp clothes

    • hang out your socks

• When you finally leave, swap between speed walking and jogging

  • be 10 minutes on your way before checking for your keys

  • if your feeling good, add a wrong turn

  • wipe perspiration

  • ignore your heart rate

• Repeat “I’m sorry I’m late, I have no excuse”

  • *laugh*

  • have the raw audacity to repeat

And remember, this is so we’re all late,

so then we’re all on time.