10 things to do when you're locked out
Hate to say it, but it will happen again.
I don’t really have a degree. I did one year of Nursing and Midwifery before deciding I’d rather eat a cookie than be in a labour ward, then I did a six-month diploma in food, where I grew a heart, ate some heart, and started to think that maybe I really could like hollandaise.
I was probably lost in thought about organ ingestion versus one exiting a canal (that’s a placenta) when I locked my house keys in my locker during the diploma. Sweating on the bike ride home to my Harlesdon studio, arteries pulsating with hollandaise, I couldn’t wait to rinse the bloody butter off me. Arriving back at 9 pm, I yanked my helmet off my perspiring crown and threw my hand into my leather satchel to dig around for the familiar jingle. I remember throwing the useless tub of buttery egg sauce on the ground before yelling “IDIOT!”. My neighbour’s light flicked on. I was locked out.
This other time, I was motionlessly heaving a second-hand BBQ from my car to my flat in Bondi Junction. Scraping (and scarring) both shins in the process, I was carried by the thought of eggplants on the grill. Limping back, I clicked the lock down on the car door and slammed it shut behind me. Arriving at the door, bleeding (but eggplants), I dug my hand into my pocket, and finally yelped. My keys were in the car, and the only set was with my housemate, and she was in Tasmania. “IDIOT!”
I’m not trying to gloat, well maybe a little, but the real purpose of stupid stories was to solidify my status as a locked-out expert. Useful for my useless master’s on the link between consistently losing vital possessions and recurring hypothermia. I haven’t been accepted into any universities yet, but I’m still doing research.
One thing my master’s piece won’t include is how to resolve a lock-out issue; fly-screens are becoming too high-tech, and there’s probably already an app for that. Instead, a key focus will be on how to spend the time between loss and being reunited, because your housemate still needs to fly back, and the word “IDIOT” is still echoing.
10 things to do when you get locked out
go the library, print off the lyrics to a song you think is okay, then learn them by heart
use their toilet
practice stretches targeted at achieving the splits, repeat every 30 mins
buy cheese and biscuits and see how slowly you can eat them
bet on how many red cars you’ll spot in the next hour, then start counting
read the paper at one of those cafes that have the paper
use their toilet
count how many times you can go back and forth on the monkey bars
try top it next time
drop in on a friend, unannounced, look in their fridge, pocket some cake
use their toilet
see how many dogs you can make eye contact with, no touching
peel a bag of grapes
fall asleep in the cinema
hope they don’t wake you up
use their toilet
I’m not looking to start my master’s quite yet, but it’s good to know none of the research is going to waste, just hollandaise, idiot.